Becoming parents – losing yourself to become a new you
Recently, I was given the opportunity to do a talk with a group of moms. As I reflected on my own journey in parenthood, I felt compelled to speak about a not very popular or considered topic – “losses in parenthood”.
It was an unusual topic since as parents typically want to hear more about parenting skills. Parents typically want to know answers to questions like, “What do I do about my child’s tantrums?”
We tend to ask questions about how to be a better parent. You can hear the underlying fear of the question, - “Tell me what to do so I don’t mess up my child!!”
But I wanted to turn the attention to ourselves as parents, and how this stage of life radically changes us.
With any change, there is a loss. Do we recognize this?
In my own parenting journey, as much as I look back on those early years with fondness, I don’t think I ever anticipated how much of my life would be uprooted in this stage of parenthood. With any new transition inevitably means a loss of the old life. Yet we often go on into parenthood without recognizing the losses that occurred in us.
How has becoming parents impacted us?
Here’s a summary of the talk that I gave. I hope it also helps you take time to reflect and see what’s relevant to you…
Here are some common losses:
1) Loss of personal space – feeling over touched, over stimulated.
2) Loss of connection – changes in friendships, disconnect from partner and other family members
3) Loss of predictability and order / control – parenthood is full of unexpected surprises!
4) Loss of competence / achievement – not producing anything, not making an impact.
5) Loss of health – exercising, eating, sleeping, hormones / energy level
6) Loss of freedom / autonomy – inability to do what you want, when you want
7) Loss of faith / spiritual life – inability to join service, read God’s word or connect with other believer in fellowship.
As we look at this list of losses, can we see how much got unraveled and uprooted? It is a radical change from our former life!
Then, as you recognize these losses, reflect on these questions below:
Questions for reflection:
1) Reflect on your current mood. If there’s some irritability or low mood, is it spurred on by one of the losses in parenthood? Could it be that your mood is telling you that you’re missing something important in your life?
2) Is there any aspect of yourself that you lost and need to regain even a little bit in this season? (As parents we may think of ourselves last, and there’s little time to reflect on what we need. Take some time to consider whether something needs to be regained, even it’s as simple as having a 15 min walk to decompress).
3) Are any of the losses a good thing? Perhaps it's pushed you to let go of something you put your identity in. How is this loss an opportunity to form a new you?
These are important questions, because parenthood could be forcing us to let go of something in a good way.
For example, if you have a tendency to need everything under your control, parenthood could be a time to be a bit more open and flexible in this realm.
Let these losses to inform us.
Are these losses telling us we need to regain back something important in our lives?
Or is it a chance to let go of something that wasn't serving us, so that a new us can be formed through parenthood?
Working with parents to reflect on this important stage of life is one of my passions. If you could use the space to reflect a bit more, and to put words to all that you’re going through, see if you’d like to book a free consultation for some counselling sessions. Feel free to share if others can use this support as well - https://www.lifeoverflows.ca/contact